By: Mary Knight | Relationships | Personal Stories
As a now retired escort it always amazed me how I could have a fun conversation with a client, find him attractive and interesting, and when we got to the bedroom the sex was terrible. My most memorable experience of this glaring contrast was with a client who was a very youthful, charming 62 years old. We had a five-hour dinner appointment and I was having a genuinely great time with him. We were laughing, talking and found we had so much in common. Once behind closed doors, he became insensitive and overbearing.
His attitude was that all sexual activities were his responsibility and I just needed to lie back and enjoy what he wanted to do to me. He seemed to believe the man was supposed to come into the bedroom and take charge, dammit! Now, to me and every woman I know, that is absolutely fantastic IF he knows what he's doing. But that means he's paying close attention to how I'm responding to him. He doesn't just plow on ahead with his "routine."
As a *ahem* very sexually skilled woman, I know what gives me the most pleasure, and I have the confidence to guide bedroom activities in directions that work for me. It's my experience that men absolutely love being with a woman who knows what she wants in bed. Usually, they are thrilled to let me have my way with them! But not this one. He thought he knew how to please a woman, so he was going to show me allllll about it with no regard to the fact that I was an individual who just might have her own sexual preferences.
Without being dominating, I was trying to pace him, slow him down, touch and kiss him the way I wanted to be touched and kissed. He was ignoring my responses to him - I could have been anybody! I know at the time I was a paid date and you might expect that men treated me like an object, but that was rarely the case. Despite his age and his marriage of 42 years, his actions showed me he lacked sexual experience and knew nothing about a woman's body.
Unfortunately, with many men in his age group this was the case. I found that most of the men I saw ranging in age from late 50's to mid 60's (I never saw anyone older) had this same attitude towards sex. They acted like if they didn't spring into aggressive, grabby action, nothing would happen in the bedroom. They mistook aggression for passion.
Recently a dear Romance Coaching client shared with me how after several years, she finally gave up on her sex life. She felt so guilty about depriving her husband of sex that she hoped he'd have an affair! It was a risk she was willing to take because his aggressiveness was such a turn off, it shut her down physically and emotionally in bed. Sex was something he did to her and wasn't something they shared. She'd had enough, but was ashamed and embarrassed to talk with him about it.
Like many of my coaching clients, she'd gotten married at a young age and never had a chance to explore her own sexuality in or out of her marriage. She didn't know what she wanted or needed sexually and felt self-conscious about discussing it with her husband. I'm VERY happy to report that our coaching calls gave her confidence and the tools to change her sexual destiny!
So what happened with my Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde date?
I did something I'd never done. Out of sheer frustration I blurted out,
"WHAT are you doing? When a woman is pulling away or moving away from you it means she doesn't like what you're doing!"
He was offended but he had no defense – he knew in his heart he was doing something wrong because he and his wife hadn't had sex in ages!
He confessed, "I've been on autopilot. I could always tell my wife didn't like having sex with me, but I thought it was because she just didn't like sex. I thought with escorts it would be different, but it hasn't been. You're the first to tell me why."
For many of us, we'll stay stuck in a routine even when we'd like things to change because we don't know what else to do. Sometimes we keep things as they are because we're embarrassed to talk about sex or we've let something go on for so long, we can't see a way to gracefully bring it up and we certainly can't see a way to transition into another mode.
Your situation isn't hopeless and your husband isn't an insensitive jerk, he's just clueless! And sure he'll do the same lame things in bed every time because he gets off. Unless you've told him, he's not going to know he's not meeting your needs. Many men think we're fine with what they're doing because we aren't telling them otherwise.
Once you clue your husband or boyfriend into what you want and need, he will move heaven and earth to make it happen!